Recent military action in the Middle East has left a country in total chaos, and total anarchy has resulted from the ousting of tyrant-dictator Saddam Hussein from power in Iraq. The United Nations, after refusing to support the U.S.-led decision to overthrow Hussein, now wants to take part in the rebuilding of Iraq. I have a better idea. The United States could use its” recent military victory to solve all of the problems now facing the Middle East and acquire a profitable new investment at the same time. Iraq and its surrounding troublesome nations should be combined and formed into what would be the largest state in the union, Texas Two.
Appropriately named, Texas Two is the result of the hard work and perseverance of two prominent Texan business men, presidents George H. W. Bush and his son George W. Bush. These two probably understand better than anyone else the gigantic economic impact such an acquisition would have on the United States. From the start, it would be a very efficient addition to the nation, as Texas Two would be a low-maintenance state, like New Mexico or Nevada.
Texas Two would provide a substantial GDP increase in the form of oil. Growth in the United States has been declining for years due to diminishing net exports, not because of slowing output, but because of increasing imports. In our present economy, net exports could be upside-down within years, leaving them in the red. Not only would The Sandy State provide an increased GDP, but it would also remove our dependence on foreign oil. Also eliminated would be smarmy heart-to-heart “Elect because I”m like you even though my senate job has me set until I”m a hundred” political campaigns that play off of the Social Security scare. As a matter of fact, Texas Two could provide for the retirement of every American simply with oil revenues. Current Social Security taxes could be slashed, as the government-owned petroleum refineries would be the cash cow Baby Boomers have been looking for.
Texas Two would also allow for the Clinton-size military cuts seen in the 1990s, only this time with justified explanations, not simply a balanced budget. The Middle East is populated enough that it could be protected by its own National Guard unit, saving the taxpayers billions, and not even cause a financial burden, as oil output would also cover all expenses emanating from the Colin Powell National Desert. Another important consideration is the money that would be saved while taking over North Korea (Little Vermont). By flying the Air National Guard unit directly out of We-Beat-Saddam International Airport, millions of dollars could be saved versus running a 10,000-mile military campaign across hemispheres.
If nothing else, Texas Two would provide the United States with supreme bragging rights. This annexation of the Middle East would increase the size of our country by over 30%. The world would finally regard America as the true superpower, similar to how the western world felt toward England in the 19th century, when Her Majesty claimed territory covering over one-fourth of the land on the globe.
Ultimately, we should do it for the Iraqi people. The current situation in Iraq is total disarray. Many are angry with the United States for the problems we have created by removing their dictator. It is not only our duty to them, but it is our eminent right: we didn’t fight a revolutionary war for nothing. Regardless, consider the job security it would provide for the Iraqis. In America, we believe a job should go to the person most qualified for the position. I liken it to the episode of South Park when the owner of a Chinese restaurant is endowed with the task of building a great wall around the city. He created an elaborate, structurally sound wall that stretched for miles around the small Colorado town. In the same way, Iraqi workers would be paid a highly competitive wage to harvest our oil.
The annexation of the Middle East is the next logical step for our country. Doors will be opened, and opportunities will abound. International trade will skyrocket, and other nations will give the United States the respect we deserve. The republican democracy of this country has become the most successful political experiment in history, and it is time to once again move forward in the direction of bolstering America’s future. Texas Two will be regarded as one of the United States” defining moments, similar to the way the Louisiana Purchase was hailed in 1804.